We’re okay. Today has been cancelled due to illness. We are both out with a virus and it’s a nice coincidence that it’s pouring down outside and the heaters are blaring here. Lucas and I are doing as well as can be expected. Mother’s Day was particularly hard. Not on the day, but on the Friday before I really felt the affects of the last year. I had the whole works, flashbacks to the day Phil died and tears. Lots of tears.
Last year Phil and Lucas got up and were quiet, when I woke up they drove me to Kmart with some money, quite a lot of money for us. Then they left me to it at the shops and I had a couple of hours shopping. It was really good and really thoughtful and I am so glad there were no memories of it on Facebook!
Life has taken on it’s own pattern now. We are getting extraordinarily close, which I imagine is the experience of sole parents everywhere. Its quite a stunning experience which I am enjoying. The closeness makes a lot of the simple parts of parenting easier. More jokes, less power and control battles. Mostly.
Just in the last few weeks Lucas has started talking about Phil again. A lot. Its gorgeous. We sing to him when we drive past Whenua Tapu. We talk to him every night before bed now, and Lucas shares the important things of the day with him. He has decided that Phil is always with us now. All the time. Last night he was telling Phil about the Clay Face that I brought him and the lego reviews we are trying to get online for him. He would like to be a Lego reviewer when he grows up. Lego Life, here we come.
I’ve taken a running jump at trying to work from home. There have been mixed results, but overall the trend is that its working more and more each week. Don’t look at the housework status though. It’s been very exciting to be using parts of my brain that have been used mainly for mothering for most of the last 6 years. I have worked maybe 16 months of Lukey’s life so a culture change has been required. Lucas is on board, particularly now that he knows work equals more Lego.
The whanau are extremely important in the (relative) success of the last six months. Not in the least because Mum and Kevin and Dad and Meera and Liz and Kev all take Lucas on adventures, night’s away and fun times so I can recharge. That closeness we have in our relationship now can be intense and tiring and I am so grateful to be able to recharge on a Saturday.
We’re not any way out of the woods in terms of grief, but there is a comfort or rather a lack of intensity when I realise that we will grieve for Phil forever and at some point it may not hurt so much, rather it will just be the good loving left.
Friends are still golden and take me away from it all. Hearing about your ‘normal’ lives carrying on and the everyday issues that come and go. We are sort of out of the loop mostly concentrating on daily routines and getting the basics up to speed without Phil. He was such a core part of this family, there were only three of us, so it’s a big loss. A huge pair of shoulders gone and we are slowly but surely coming up from the back and starting to kick arse again.
I’m not asking much of myself at the moment. Attempting to make us some money, get Lukey to school and back and keep home cooked food on the table. It’s enough right now.
We will have a memorial and scatter ashes/ unveil a plaque or some sort of celebration on the year anniversary of Phil’s passing. We’ll probably do it on Sunday the 8th of October as the 9th is a Monday. I hope you can join us. Most likely a ‘do’ back at the house, or maybe even a little knees up at a hall or church. Not sure yet. But there will a place for people to talk freely and talk about Phil and his life. No hurry, no shocked widow rushing off for a ciggie every five minutes. It should be really good. Quite a few people asked me if they could speak at the funeral, so hopefully everyone comes ready with a poem, a song or whatever they would like to do to express themselves. If anything. I won’t be singing or reciting anything! But I hope you do.
If you are wanting to come, drop me a line on JoanneEveAndrews@gmail.com and I will have a little idea of numbers, so I can start thinking about appropriate venues. Feel free to tell your mates who I don’t know and we’ll see what happens. It was a rush of a funeral, two days after the death and I just was not in a place to really sit and think things through. I was so off the planet my feet didn’t touch the ground. Hopefully the unveiling will amend that. Lets give it a good crack aye?
The writing bug has left me completely. I just want to lick my wounds and look after the gang best I can. So I might not write any more on this blog, but rather use it as way to communicate Phil like things to you all. Like the unveiling. Always here if you want to catch up, drop me a line, facebook me or whatever, I’d love to hear from you.